Discover a New City: Portland

Following Dan across the Pacific Northwest...

Sexiness, on the rocks

Reuniting with college friends is easy when they all live within a 1 state radius. It's somewhat uninspired however, when that state is Kansas. Enter Dan, the Nebraska-raised Simon Bolivar of the Pacific Northwest who we were fortunate enough to meet while attending KU.

We visited him in Minnesota in spite of freezing temperatures and 4pm sunsets. Four years ago we made the trek to Seattle, eating fish and drinking beer in the city, then chasing sasquatch into the mountain wilderness.

This year, with friends moving to previously undiscovered cities Portland and Victoria, BC, a multi-country trip to the hipster capital of the world (or at least the US) and a Canadian flowery-beach town seemed like a no-brainer.

Agendas were set, flights booked, passports updated, Chad planned his ass off, PTO requested, bags packed and next thing you know, we were in Portland clanging celebratory beers together with Dan. Conversation was natural and flowing. We updated each other on work and personal lives, then got to gabbing about nonsense like we used to, spouses and significant others falling in as if they were right there with us at KU.

We got goofy, as you'll see in the pictures below. Most require at minimum a modicum of explanation; all come with the disclaimer that when reuniting with friends and adding fresh air, nature, wild blackberries, booze and great food into the mixture, shenanigans ensue. Direct any and all questions to Chad.

In no particular order...

Dr. Chad and The Women
Instinctually I wanted to use the B-word to describe the girls, but I know that my parents will see this. Prepping for an evening out, Chad and his fear-inspiring combination of slicked-back hair and flip-flops, gave a look that would have enabled Christopher from The Sopranos to become a made man much earlier in the series. If you're wondering why everyone seemed angry, I invite you to check out this next photo. 

Prom Pics
I'm not entirely sure why, but since there were a total of four couples on the trip, I thought it'd be funny to take prom-style pictures at various locations. For the most part, everyone went with it. Some of the pictures actually turned out nice, though the dudes looked admittedly creepy, uncomfortable or annoying in some of them. That will become apparent shortly. 

Not Enough Thumbs Up
Hef took this one, and his art direction was not specific enough in terms of creating an environment that encouraged everyone to hitch hike it up. Dan's double was a valiant effort, but it's completely offset by Chad's "hook-em-horns". Or was he flashing the "shocker"? Either way, the ladies let us down by looking all cute and adorable and not trying to turn this picture into farce.

This Is How We Hike!
Tara appears to be taking the lower portion of her pants off while we enjoy a respite from our day hike to the waterfall.

Hef The Man on his Contractor Calendar Photoshoot
It's difficult to say what's more glorious - the waterfall or Hef, who looks like he's training for Seal Team Six or vying for the calendar cover. Valiant creeper effort to Chad's disembodied head for the photobomb. 

Failing At Not Being Creepy
In all fairness, this was a lose-lose situation for Chadster. I should preface this by divulging that the water was colder than a Frank Martin stare. Which is likely why Chad's hands were gravitating towards his marbles in protection from their imminent dunking. That this all happened with a young girl in the background, effortlessly standing on water, Jesus-like, mid-wedge-pick, isn't any of our faults. Sometimes creepy accidents just happen.  

Trying To Act Cool While Losing Circulation Us four dudes were the only ones daring enough to swim out towards the waterfall, braving rocks, tweens and failing limbs. It was so cold - and I'm not historically known for doing cold well - that treading became a chore as arm and leg joints didn't want to open. We had to document this inversely miserable and inspiring moment, however I slipped off of my balance rock at the moment the camera went off, causing a spray of frozen slushee water to escape my mouth. Hef's smile can't convince us that his brain was thinking "just take the damn picture". Dan and Chad appear cool, but they were likely numb by that point.

Chad Gaines
We have Dan to thank for referencing the Garth Brooks alter-ego, failed alt-rock hipster Chris Gaines. Seriously, do a web search - it's uncanny. This is why we keep visiting Dan.  

Passion Bite
This too. Dan's always full of surprises, like when for his prom pic, he attempted to take a bite out of Kristen's neck. Or maybe that's how Portlanders show affection. 

Passion Nap
This is how normal people show affection. Are you comfortable enough with your spouse that you can take a nap on their shoulder at a moment's notice? I am, though naturally Melody appears resistive to my advances. 

All Smiles
I suppose there had to be one group that took this exercise seriously. Luckily for the camera, Tara's shadow takes the edge off of some of Hef's whiteness. And though we didn't have one, it appears that Hef must have won the push-up competition. 

Zen, and the Art of Dan
We began taking donations from inspired wanders stopping by Dan's life-as-art exhibit. The natural energy created by the juxtaposition of Dan's prone half-nude body and the stack of zen rocks was enough to restart the circulation in my frigid bloodstream, proving that the greatest pieces of art pay for themselves.

Hunter Gatherers
A few things happened here. For one, we brought a flask full of whiskey on our hike. Obviously. Not to seriously dehydrate ourselves, but to reserve for a celebratory swig. It should be noted that straight whiskey is gross. But the wilderness had an answer for that in her plump, deep dark blackberries dangling dangerously in the thorn bushes. Hef because entirely infatuated with collecting the best ones, enlisting Dan's help to act as a human shield against the thorniest of areas. The end result was a sweet chaser though. 

Sneak Attach
With so many elements competing for our attention, it's telling that both a smartphone and Hef's butt garnered more attention than the gorgeous waterfall in the background. 

Love Wrap
The face Melody is making is the result of years of her distrust towards me when I'm trying to harmlessly show my affection for her in public. Did I tickle her after this picture, and did she almost knock me off the bridge with her overreaction? Her smile tells all. 

Passion Nap # 2
Taking the cue from a man who knows how to act cool around women, Dan too proves that napping and smelling hair are some of the only true ways to show affection towards other human beings. 

Killer Flight
Accustomed to my antics, Melody appears to throw up a peace sign in a futile attempt to prevent me from allowing her to try my beer flight the hard way. Props to Rogue Brewery for the most creative beer flight paddles I've seen. 

Deschutes Brewery
Stop number two on our impromptu brewery tour, Deschutes joined the long list of establishments that over-served us on the trip. Great way to end a long day that included hiking, swimming, freezing, sweating and a food truck dinner. 

These Are NOT Waffles!
Seriously, there's bacon, egg, tomatoes, green leafy stuff, other fruits, whipped cream and some sort of delicious syrup drizzled on top. But if they were waffles, they would have freaking sugar crystals in the batter. Sugar crystals in the batter! I needed a nap after just looking at the menu. 

Princesses of the Animal Kingdom
Walking the streets of a Portland art fair, semi-comatose from the not-waffles, we stumbled upon these oddly placed wooden cut outs. There wasn't an obvious theme, other than "weed thoughts". 

Sir Hefsalot
OOOHH...they're for kids! OK. That makes sense. That they don't need to make sense. It's unfortunate that it took Hef almost guillotining his head onto the sidewalk for us to realize this. 

Brew Bus
The girls heard that there would be beer girl talent scouts at the Beer Fest, so naturally they struck up a pose in front of the VW bus that no doubt doubles as lodging for its owner. They were one step away from giving away shots and beer-themed sunglasses at a local bar. Side note, I can't remember what Amy's getup is called, but it's glorious. 

Keeping Tabs
Dan and Kristen proving that us dog owners just might have the right idea when it comes to keeping loved ones close. Immediately after this picture was taken, they engaged each other in a Michael Jackson Bad style fight. Dan won, but it wasn't as convincing as I had expected. 

I'm Number One
So is Chad. And Riker. And Bill Murray, who is stoically photobombing us. 

Brew Crew
So this is us, still all smiles even after a hike, a night out at the breweries, not-waffles and a stroll through the art fair. Not too bad for a group that attended college when Bush Jr. was in office. There was an inevitable crash afterwards, but a few of us managed to rally and go to a Portland Timbers game. Portland lived up to the considerably high expectations that I placed on its shoulders, which isn't surprising since Dan had vetted it. And if it lives up to his standards, that's usually good enough for us. The waffles were decent. 

Hipster AssimilationEver the world traveler, Chad is adept at adapting to the local environment, which in this case meant eating lettuce-filled lettuce wraps in front of the lattice on the porch, and drinking a beer while lecturing us on how important it is to use vegetable oil to fuel our cars. Or something like that, I wasn't really paying attention.

More pics of Portland and an advance look at Canada here: Cool Pics Link